Choose Your Own Time-Venture

by Banditos Misteriosos

Performed on Saturday, September 17th in Boston, Massachusetts


THE STORYTELLER

The team approaches The Storyteller.  He’s grizzled and well-worn with wisdom. He strokes his beard as he watches the team approach and beckons them in to gather and read a story together.  He opens an oversized book and begins reading:

Photo by Erin Braswell

STORYTELLER:

Once upon a time, there was a group of young boys and girls who all lived together in the basement of Trinity Church. It was a tough life, but they knew that one day, they were destined for great things.

On the morning of September 17, 1996, fifteen years ago to the day to be exact, they woke up. It was time for some music to get them ready for the day!

Click here to listen to Wilson Phillips

Click here to listen to 4 Non Blondes


THE STORYTELLER continued...

STORYTELLER:

They all agreed it was the best music they had ever heard. And they rocked out for the rest of the morning.

...when suddenly (dun dun dun) there was a brilliant flash of light, and for a moment, space and time seemed to fold over on itself, with sparks flying and images blurring, just like in that brand new movie “Contact” that they had all just seen, and then from a huge cloud of smoke...

...a Mysterious Man emerged. Clad in a long, flowing robe and moving almost like a ghost.

“I've been watching you...” he said. “From the future. And you are all destined for great things.”

And he held out in his hand to reveal a marvelous, magnificent artifact that shone in the light reflected off the 20-year old John Hancock Tower. “Take this artifact,” he said. “When the time comes, you'll know what to do with it.”

Photo by Tai Chen

And with another flash of light, the Mysterious Man was gone. The boys and girls looked at each other, curiously. They pressed it, shook it, and plugged it in the wall, but nothing worked.

Click here to ignore the mysterious man and toss this worthless piece of junk into the trash

Click here to hold onto the item and hope the fact that he's been watching you is a result of his wisdom and not his creepiness

THE STORYTELLER continued...

STORYTELLER:

They tossed the contraption into the trash can and silently cursed the old man and his bizarre mumbo jumbo. But the funniest thing happened. The trash can began rattling, and shaking, and light began shimmering, just like in that other brand-new movie, Event Horizon...

And suddenly from the trash receptacle, the Mysterious Man appeared once again!

But he was not angry. He calmly said, “this is for the good of the entire space time continuum. I came a long way to bring this to you.  Please take it.

The children obeyed, looking at the artifact with a new sense of awe...

...and it was that moment that they all knew they wanted to grow up to become time travelers.

Click here to continue


THE STORYTELLER continued...

STORYTELLER:

The children marveled at the artifact's beauty, and spoke joyfully of the Mysterious Man and his premonitions.

“He's right!” They told each other. “We are indeed destined for great things!”

...and it was that moment that they all knew they wanted to grow up to become time travelers.

Click here to continue


THE STORYTELLER continued...

STORYTELLER:

They studied and studied, but still, they could never figure out what the mysterious artifact was for, or how it worked.

Until one day, fifteen years later, they were granted an interview with the prestigious American Bureau of Chronological Defense.

The recruitment process began with a written test. The excited group made their way to the testing facility at the corner of Dartmouth and Commonwealth, when they happened upon a slip of paper on the ground.

“Wha-- could it be? The answers to the test?”

As they set out on their journey, they pondered whether they should pick up the paper and cheat on the test, or leave it behind and attempt to pass it on their own merits...

Click here to pick up the paper and cheat on the test

Click here to leave the paper behind


TEST ADMINISTRATOR

Team approaches the test site and meets the Test Administrator, a typical standardized test administrator.

Photo by Tai Chen

TEST ADMINISTRATOR:

Alright, gentlepeople, listen up, and listen good.  Being a temporal agent is no easy job.  It's full of stress.  Anger.  Unbearable stomach pains.  Getting attacked every morning by ... (coughs) … but enough about my life.  Where were we?  

Ah, right, good.  You're here to take the test.  (hands team clipboard with answer sheet and a copy of the test)  You will have exactly three minutes to finish the test, all answers are multiple choice...a choose-your-own answer, if you will.  I will be grading you on correctness, accuracy, and the answers.  I'll be over here enjoying this pamphlet.  Ready?  (gives them a test, and takes out at a stopwatch).  Go!

The Test Administrator times them.  Pulls out a boring-looking pamphlet and licks his lips as he prepares to read it, as if it’s the most riveting thing he’s read in years.

The team pours over the test.  It’s filled with agonizingly complex mathematical problems.  Good thing they decided to cheat on the test!  When the Administrator isn’t looking they refer to their cheat sheet and enter the correct answers.

When the time is up, Test Administrator collects the test and appraises it with a stern eye.  

TEST ADMINISTRATOR:

This looks good....almost too good...you know, we’ve been hearing rumors of people cheating on this test, (scrutinizes them warily) so here’s a...SURPRISE BONUS QUESTION!

You have thirty seconds to answer correctly!

The Test Administrator hands the team a bonus question:

ABCD WRITTEN EXAM: BONUS QUESTION

The three ancient artifacts that power the time machine can be used manually to Slow, Reverse, or Forward time by doing what:

A)         Putting the artifacts in a blender and pureeing them

B)        Holding the artifact above your head and shouting the word written on it

C)        Throwing the artifact into the air, letting it flip exactly five and a half times, then catching it with your foot

D)        Dipping the artifact in a highly acidic solution and adding a pinch of salt

Select an answer from above...


TEST ADMINISTRATOR

Team approaches the test site and meets the Test Administrator, a typical standardized test administrator.

Photo by Tai Chen

TEST ADMINISTRATOR:

Alright, gentlepeople, listen up, and listen good.  Being a temporal agent is no easy job.  It's full of stress.  Anger.  Unbearable stomach pains.  Getting attacked every morning by ... (coughs) … but enough about my life.  Where were we?  

Ah, right, good.  You're here to take the test.  (hands team clipboard with answer sheet and a copy of the test)  You will have exactly three minutes to finish the test, all answers are multiple choice...a choose-your-own answer, if you will.  I will be grading you on correctness, accuracy, and the answers.  I'll be over here enjoying this pamphlet.  Ready?  (gives them a test, and takes out at a stopwatch).  Go!

The Test Administrator times them.  Pulls out a boring-looking pamphlet and licks his lips as he prepares to read it, as if it’s the most riveting thing he’s read in years.

The team pours over the test.  It’s filled with agonizingly complex mathematical problems.  There’s no chance they’ll get any of these right!

When the time is up, Test Administrator collects the test and appraises it with a stern eye.  

TEST ADMINISTRATOR:

Tsk, tsk, tsk.  You know, I expected better of you.  Lucky for you, though, there’s a bonus question, worth 51% of the grade.

The Test Administrator hands the team a bonus question:

ABCD WRITTEN EXAM: BONUS QUESTION

The three ancient artifacts that power the time machine can be used manually to Slow, Reverse, or Forward time by doing what:

A)         Putting the artifacts in a blender and pureeing them

B)        Holding the artifact above your head and shouting the word written on it

C)        Throwing the artifact into the air, letting it flip exactly five and a half times, then catching it with your foot

D)        Dipping the artifact in a highly acidic solution and adding a pinch of salt

Select an answer from above...


TEST ADMINISTRATOR continued...

The Test Administrator is impressed at the team’s expert knowledge of the ABCD ancient artifacts.

TEST ADMINISTRATOR:

Very good!  Very good!  You're halfway to becoming an ABCD Elite Force Guard, or an ABCDEFG!

Now it's time to test your physical strength.  You can battle one of our esteemed combat ninjas.

Now I ask you, do you trust your hands or your feet?

Click here if you trust your hands

Click here if you trust your feet


COMBAT: FEET

The Combat Ninja wears 80’s running gear: neon shorts, fuzzy headband.  Jogs in place like an overcaffeinated spinning coach.

COMBAT NINJA:

Omigod, hey guys!  You must have, like, totally passed the written test!  Good for you!  Now y'all ready to beat me in a race?  It's gonna be sooo awesome.

Okay, here's how it works.  We're going to race from here to here (Combat Ninja shows the start and end points), and whoever gets there fastest wins.  If you beat me, you pass the test and move on.  You’ve got just two tries to beat me at this race!  

Oh, and here's the thing: all members of each team must link arms with everyone else on the rest of their team.  Go ahead, link your arms.  (The Team all links arms with each other).  Okay, now my arms are linked.  (Combat Ninja folds her arms together)

Ready, set, go!

The Combat Ninja runs to the other end of the race, winning easily.  The team with linked up arms is no match for just one person.

COMBAT NINJA:

Omigod, you guys, I totally beat you!

High fives all around for my team (She slaps her own hand).

You guys would need to, like, totally slow me down to beat me...

Hey, you guys wanna race again?  Last chance, or I'll have to tell the guys down at corporate that you're no good for the job.

It suddenly occurs to the team... The ancient artifact the Mysterious Man gave them with the word ‘Slow’ on it!  The Bonus Question!  They have the power to slow down time!!!

Just before the start of the race, the team takes the artifact, raises it above their head, and shouts SLOW!  With the Combat Ninja slowed down, the team handily wins the race.

COMBAT NINJA:

Holy kazooks!  You guys are fast!  How’d you do that!?!

Alright! You all get a perfect score for combat training!  Now... Y'all ready for your final test to becoming an ABCDEFGs?  You’ve used your brains, and now you’ve used your braun, but now it’s time to use both!

Up ahead you’ll find a chalk maze of sorts.  You’ll see a question written on the side walk asking what year an important historical event occurred.  Pick the right year and you’ll find yourself another question.  Pick the wrong year and you’ll come across a giant red ‘X’.  Good luck ABCD trainees!

Continue to Chalk Maze


COMBAT: HANDS

The Combat Ninja is dressed like a medieval knight: Armor, scabbard, etc. ie. COMPLETELY dressed for hardcore battle despite the fact that she’s just good with her hands.

Photo by Bandito N

COMBAT NINJA:

Greetings.  I shall be thine combat ninja today.  You have chosen to trust your hands, and trust them you shall, for I am about to challenge you to a traditional English Medieval sleight-of-hand match.

I hold in my hand the two Mystical Heads of Broccoli, each swiped by the ABCD from the famous Feast for the Enthronement of George Neville, Archbishop of York, England in 1465.  (She holds up two heads of broccoli)

Thy challenge will be as thusly: each team must pass their head of broccoli from one person to the next.  Each team member must touch it once, and it must not touch the ground.  No two members may not touch the head of broccoli at the same time, and the number that thouest must touch, for each member, shall be one.  Not two, not five, but one.  

If thou beateth me, thou shall passeth the test and move on.  You have two tries to beat me.  Be forewarned: I am very quick with my hands.  (She gives the team one head of broccoli)

Ready, set, go!

The Combat Ninja passes the broccoli from one hand to the other, winning easily.

COMBAT NINJA:

Ares't thou clay-brained hedge pigs?  That was hardly even close.  Ha!  You swine could barely beat a turtle.  Well, maybe you could., but it would have to be moving extremely slowly somehow...

But where are my good graces?   Darest thou race again?  Last chance, or I'll have to tell the Archdukes of ABCD that you’re fit for the gallows.

It suddenly occurs to the team... The ancient artifact the Mysterious Man gave them with the word ‘Slow’ on it!  The Bonus Question!  They have the power to slow down time!!!

Just before the start of the race, the team takes the artifact, raises it above their head, and shouts SLOW!  With the Combat Ninja slowed down, the team handily wins the race.

COMBAT NINJA:

By the boffings of Lucifer!  Thou art speedy after all! Greatly impressed I am indeed!

Now... Are thy ready for thee final test to becoming an ABCDEFGs?  You’ve used your brains, and now you’ve used your braun, but now it’s time to use both!

Up ahead you’ll find a chalk maze of sorts.  You’ll see a question written on the side walk asking what year an important historical event occurred.  Pick the right year and you’ll find yourself another question.  Pick the wrong year and you’ll come across a giant red ‘X’.  Good luck ABCD trainees!

Continue to Chalk Maze


CHALK MAZE

American Independence

1492    1776


CHALK MAZE continued...

Obama Inauguration

2007    ↑ 2008    2009


CHALK MAZE continued...

Berlin Wall Torn Down

1989    ↑ 1985    1979


CHALK MAZE continued...

Miley Cyrus Born

1992    ↑ 1995    1999


CHALK MAZE continued...

Apple Computers Founded

1984    ↑ 1980    1976


CHALK MAZE continued...

'The Love Boat' Released on DVD

2004    ↑ 2006    2008


ABCD COMMANDER

Photo by Tai Chen

Teams rush to the ABCD Commander up ahead and give him their answer sheet.  The Commander analyzes the sheet for a bit, looks up, stares at the team straight faced, and then breaks into a smile...

ABCD COMMANDER:

Congratulations, folks!  I knew you had what it takes to be an ABCDEFG!  Welcome aboard!

(Hand shakes and fist bumps all around)

Alright, you ready for your first mission?  (Commander waves them in closer)

Alright rookies, this is an easy one.  We’ve received an account that three of the world’s most important historical leaders have been POISONED!  Winston Churchill - England’s greatest wartime prime minister. Gustavus Adolphus - Sweden’s heralded 17th century monarch.  And Bill Walsh - coach of the 1989 Super Bowl Champion San Fransisco 49ers.

Now, with this type of situation... bringing the world leaders to the present to administer the antidote may permanently disturb the entire time-space continuum!  So we’ll do the next best thing... we’ll bring to the present each of the three world leaders’ personal chefs.  After I activate the Time Machine through this control unit, the chefs will all be transported to this building behind me.  It’ll be your job to go inside and convince each chef to give these antidote pills (shows pill bottle) to their respective world leaders.

Alright, you got it?  Are you all ready?  (Commander enters data into the control unit)

Okay here we go! (presses button)

Something’s gone wrong.  A look of panic overtakes him, followed by frantic button pushing on the unit.

ABCD COMMANDER:

Stand by folks.  Something’s gone wrong. (He presses one button on control unit and speaks into it like a phone)

What the hell just happened over there!!?!?!? ...

What do you mean the Energy Field moved!?!?!?!? ...

What do you mean the Chefs have been scattered across Boston?!?!?!?!? …

What do you mean the time machine’s broken?!?!?!?!? ...

What do you mean the Transigation Molecules have Demoraphafied?!?!? …

(calmer) No seriously, I have no idea what that last part means.  ...

(back to rage) Listen!  It doesn’t matter what it means!  Just fix it!!!

(He hangs up phone. turns attention back to team)

Alright here’s the deal.  The three Chefs have been scattered across the Back Bay area AND the the time machine’s had a major malfunction.  We’re gonna need one team to go give the antidotes to the Chefs and another group to help fix the machine.  Which would you like to do?

Click here to help fix the Time Machine

Click here to go after the three chefs


ABCD COMMANDER continued...

ABCD COMMANDER:

Alright good.  I’ll send another team to go after the chefs.

I need you to go touch base with our agent in our Mechanics division.  He’s at the corner of Commonwealth and (squints at the sheet)... Glow... Glau... Glouh … -chester Street.  He’ll tell you what to do.

Once you’ve recovered all three artifacts give this phone number a call. (gives card with ABCD mission control number)

Alright, we clear?

Good luck rookies!  I know you won’t let the Bureau down!

(as team starts to walk off)

Wait! Wait! I forgot one last thing!  Your official ABCD badges. (gives each team member a red badge)

Continue to visit the ABCD Mechanic


ABCD COMMANDER continued...

ABCD COMMANDER:

Alright good.  I’ll send another team to go fix the machine.

I’ll get you a printout of where the Chefs are located. (The control unit prints out a map)

Here’s the antidote pills.  (He gives the team the pill bottle) Go deliver each of them and when you’ve finished your mission give this phone number a call. (Gives team card with ABCD mission control number)

Alright, we clear?

Good luck rookies!  I know you won’t let the Bureau down!

(as team starts to walk off)

Wait! Wait! I forgot one last thing!  Your official ABCD badges. (gives each team member a blue badge)

Continue to visit Winston Churchill’s Chef

 


WINSTON CHURCHILL’S CHEF 

Photo by Tai Chen

As the team approaches the chef, she runs to them frantically.  Speaking in a hurried and jumbled British accent, her words are uncomprehendable.

The team remembers their precious time slowing artifact and puts it into use once again.

CHEF 1:

...I was fixing some earl grey and there was a giant phenom of light and I’ve found myself in this perplexing place! Where can I be?! What could have happened!

The team explains to the Chef the extraordinary situation and convinces her to take the antidote pill to the past with her.

CHEF 1:

Oh, right-o, then.  What's this now, medicine for the govna’?  Why thank you, goodly chaps.  I have been quite concerned about the bowel aches he’s experienced lately.  When I return to my time I shall place this in Mr. Churchill's brandy!

(The Chef notices the team’s map and mission instructions)

What’s that your holding? A correspondence with my name on it?  May I look!? (She grabs the paper)

By George the Fourth of Cornwall and Rothesay!!! More chefs of my stature have been transported to this time!?!?!

And look!  One of them is the chef of Adolphus Gustavus! I recall learning about him at the Culinary Institute of Leeds!  The texts stated quite clearly that this chap was quite concerned with healthy eating.  The mere sight of poor substanced food and he’d convulse in a manner of great depression!

This appears to be quite the unwholesome society.  He’s sure to be in a grand state of turmoil!  You’re best to collect as many mobile phone photographs as you can of people who look like they’ve just had a good meal.  It’s surely the only way to revive his sanity.

Continue to Adolphus Gustavus’ Chef


GUSTAVUS ADOLPHUS’ CHEF

A very Swedish Chef  is found in the Prudential Food court depressed and crying.  He looks up at times only to catch eyes with another stranger eating typical American junk.  Doing so sets off another round of solemn.

The teams interrupts the chef and tries to console him.  The only cure, however, is the pictures they’ve brought for him.  The chef examines the pictures and begins to calm down as he makes comments to himself about the healthy eating in the photos...

Photo by Bandito N

CHEF 2:

Much husmansköst och klaädkhaka!  Vintergaarden!  Att maten ser läcker!  Hoidy hoidy hoidy!

Oh, Stort Tack! Stort Tack!  Hey friends... Where am I? What is all this?  Who are you?

The team explains the situation and the antidote pills.

CHEF 2:

Okay, I take ze antidote.  I feed it to Mister Gustavus.  Put it in his Ischköøkad and Ahlgrens Bilar.  Bork bork bork!

Oh friends!  When I appeared in zis place, I had this strange object (Holds it out, it's the “Reverse” Artifact) in my hands.  It looks like the one in your hands.  Do you want it?

(The team accepts)

Okeyyy! Tack! Tack! You go now!  Bork bork bork!

The chef bounces along around the food court... he’s now a very happy Swedish Chef.

Continue to Chef 3


INTERLOPER

On the way to the third Chef, the team comes across a panicked woman.

INTERLOPER:

Oh thank God! ABCD Agents!  You have to help me!  Some guy just jumped out of a time portal and injected me with a syringe marked “POISON”!  Look!

She lifts up her arm to show a red mark on her skin

INTERLOPER:

Please help!  What do we do?!?!? Do you have any antidote?!?!? I think.... I think.... I feel my arm starting to go numb!

She flops her arm around with a very concerned look

Click here to choose to save the stranger and give her your last antidote pill

Click here to abandon the stranger and continue to Chef 3


INTERLOPER continued...

INTERLOPER:

Oh thank you!  Thank you!  Please quick give me the pill!

She takes the pill in hand and suddenly changes tone to calm and serious

INTERLOPER:

Thank you.  You’ve made the right choice.  Listen... I didn’t want to have to trick you, but it’s the only way I could prove to you that these pills that you’ve been handing out... they’re not antidote.  They’re poison!  YOU’RE the ones who are actually poisoning the world leaders!  ABCD is just using you to do their dirty work!

Look!

She addresses another stranger as he passes by

INTERLOPER:

STRANGER:

Hey! Want some free candy?!

Awesome! Thanks!

The stranger takes the pill, eats it, and immediately falls to the ground dead.

Photo by Kate

INTERLOPER:

See!

(she continues, unphased) Listen... there is a resistance movement and we could really use your help.  I’m with the Organization of People Questioning the Reality of Space-Time Utilization and Variation … the OPQRSTUV.  If you go see our leader she’ll be able to tell you how to help.

You can start, though, by filling out this intelligence report and telling us everything you know about ABCD. Once you finish take this to Sydney at the address below.

ABCD SPECIAL INTELLIGENCE REPORT

Thank you for your help in gathering this crucial inside information as to the inner workings of ABCD!  The Organization of People Questioning the Reality of Space-Time Utilization and Variation (OPQRSTUV) will benefit greatly from any information you’re able to provide.

Please bring completed report to OPQRSTUV Headquarters at the South West corner of Boylston and Hemenway Street.

1) What qualifications were needed to become an ABCDEFG?

2) How much can Commander Billings benchpress?

3) What color shirt was ABCD Lieutenant Murray wearing at the Annual Meeting, and seriously, what was up with that mustard stain on the left pocket?  I mean, come on, Murray.  Use a napkin.

4) Do you like anyone in the ABCD more than a friend?    YES          NO          (circle one)

5) If YES, would you ever think about asking this person to the ABCD Winter Formal?  YES           NO

6) How do you pronounce ABCD in Spanish?

7) If a train leaves Dallas at 12:15 pm CST, and another leaves Edmonton at 7:47 am PST, how much is the fare from Seattle to Tampa?

8) Does the ABCD provide aid to the sick and infirm?  Please answer in the subjunctive.

Continue to the OPQRSTUV Leader


INTERLOPER continued...

As the team walks away, the stranger dramatically falls to the ground.  The poison takes its final toll.  

Continue to Chef 3


FIRST MECHANIC

As the team arrives, the mechanic is frantically fumbling with some doo-dad and a set of blueprints.  He wipes his brow, completely flummoxed.  Speaking with a hyper-charged Boston-esque accent, his speech is much too fast to understand.

Photo by Su-Yee

The team remembers their precious time slowing artifact and puts it into use once again.

MECHANIC:

Oh, hey there.  You must be the guys the Commander sent.  Sorry about all this (He points to his doo-dad), it's a remote satellite receiver for the time machine.  Landed here when the machine exploded.  (He shakes it sadly)  Only problem is, it's outta juice.

The mechanic notices the artifact in the team’s possession

MECHANIC:

Hey!  You guys found the Slowing Artifact!  Those are the objects that power the time machine!  We lost all of them in the malfunction!  Listen! That’s exactly what I need to help jump start my receiver!

Here, hold out the artifact like this. (He positions one person in the team correctly.  It takes a few adjustments for them to get it right)

Okay, ready?  One...two...three!  AAAAAH!!

The doo-dad flies out of his hands and the mechanic jumps back with a jolt.  He looks down at hands, and to doo-dad on ground.

MECHANIC:

Darnit, we overloaded the thing!  Look, I'm going to have to stay behind and fix this.  Listen, I need your help in finding the other two artifacts. (He looks back at the team’s artifact)  

Wait, where’d you find this thing, anyway?

The team answers, explaining about the Mysterious Man, and how he appeared to them fifteen years ago to give them this object.  The mechanic’s eyes widen and he kind of chuckles when he hears the description.

MECHANIC:

No... WAY.  I totally know the guy you’re talking about!  Long flowing robe? Twirls around and stuff?

Yeah, that guy’s so odd.  He’s one of those wackos obsessed with destiny.  One time I passed by him on the street and told me it was my destiny to star in a burlesque cabaret show!  Which is totally ridiculous! (he laughs nervously) Why would I ever want to do that? (he looks around suspiciously)

Anyway, he’s usually hanging out in front of the Boston Architectural College on Saturday afternoons. Go try and see if he’s there.  Maybe he knows where the other two artifacts are.

Oh, and look.  Like I said, this guy is wicked into destiny and fate and all that stuff.  He won’t even talk to people unless they prove to him they believe in fate.  Try taking some pictures of yourselves that look like you’re fulfilling your own personal destinies.

Continue to the Mysterious Man


MYSTERIOUS MAN

As the team arrives, the mysterious man acts very creepy, ducking behind bushes, twirling around trees, etc...

MYSTERIOUS MAN:

Salutations, my little friends.  What fortuitous winds have swept you here!  You might even say... it was your DESTINY to see me again!  Ah yes!  For you it’s been fifteen years since we last met!  For me... a mere fifteen MINUTES!  So let me finally introduce myself... my name is... (He pauses for dramatic effect, then twirls his hands divinely)... Kenny.

I’ve come into your lives because I can see you posses much strength and wisdom!  In fact, one might say... you are DESTINED for great things.  Have my assertions been correct?  Are you indeed followers of your own DESTINIES!?

Ah-ha! But saying you believe in fate and following it are very different things!  Show me proof!  Give me evidence that you are truly servants of your own DESTINY!

The team shows the photos they’ve taken of them fulfilling their destinies.  The Mysterious Man comments in delight.

MYSTERIOUS MAN:

So... You come to me because you seek the second artifact, n'est-ce pas?  (He smiles coyly)

Well, I can help you bring it to earthly presence.  For you see, the second artifact now lies not in our place, but deep within the fabric of space-time, and can only be summoned by the ancient mystical chant of Sophocrastophocles...which is only called thusly ancient by our descendants in the future... because we're going to make it up right now!  (ghostly noises) Ooooooh!

The mysterious man explains the rules of the chant.  The team circles up around him and they begin chanting.  As the team builds up its chant, the mysterious man crouches in the center of circle, almost like the Thinker, hiding something in his abdomen.  He slowly uses the increasing power of the chant to rise.  He then dramatically thrusts the Artifact to the heavens.

Photo by Bandito N

MYSTERIOUS MAN:

Behold!  The second artifact!

Take this unto you, and guard it wisely!

And I sense there is yet one more artifact in out midst...can you sense it too?  (He closes eyes and shudders.  The team follows with the same)  Can you feel it?  Can you smell it?  (big whiff)

Your journey to find the third and final artifact may be a longer one, but it begins as you go visit ABCD’s secret headquarters!  You’ll find their secret headquarters on the southwest corner of Mass Ave and Newbury.  Oh! And can you hear that too?!?! Your fate is also to collect as many fliers and pamphlets as you can along your way!

Goodbye my friends!

Continue to ABCD’s Secret Headquarters


OPQRSTUV ACTIVIST

On the way to the ABCD Secret Headquarters, the team is approached by an activist carrying a clipboard and fliers.  She speaks in an exhausted, monotone voice...

ACTIVIST:

Excuse me, excuse me, do you have a minute to talk about the dangers of time travel?

Hello, my name is Amanda.  I’m with the Organization of People Questioning the Reality of Space-Time Utilization and Variation... or OPQRSTUV.  We’re on the streets today to raise awareness of the evils of time travel and the consequences it has on--

The activist notices the badges on the team’s shirts and suddenly switches gear to high energy

ACTIVIST:

Ahhhhhhh!!!  You’re one of them!  You’re ABCDs!!! Your organization is evil!  Eeeeevil!!!!!  Do you have any idea the damage they’ve caused, and will cause? Did you know that the ABCD wants to harness time travel to go back and recast the part of Han Solo... with Louie Anderson? Here, look at this flyer!

She hands the team a flier that reads simply: “The ABCD wants to harness time travel to go back and recast the part of Han Solo... with Louie Anderson!!”

ACTIVIST:

You’ve got to help us!  Please.  We really need people on the inside to help us bring down this corrupt organization!

Click here to choose to join the resistance movement

Click here to ignore the activists and continue to the ABCD Secret Headquarters

OPQRSTUV ACTIVIST continued...

ACTIVIST:

Fine!  We don’t need your help!

Once we get enough names on this petition we’ll write an open letter to ABCD asking them to try their best not to do any more bad things.

Goodbye!!!

Continue to ABCD Secret Headquarters


OPQRSTUV ACTIVIST continued...

ACTIVIST:

Great!  You’re going to do so much to help the cause!  You won’t regret it!

First thing you can do, is help us get names for this petition.  We’re trying to put a bill on the next ballot that would outlaw all time travel unless approved by more than seven twelfths of Congress.

Go get ten signatures and bring them to our organization leader at the corner of Hemenway and Boylston St.

Continue to OPQRSTUV Leader


SECOND MECHANIC

This ABCD mechanic acts kind of gruff, like he's got a bone to pick with everyone.  He fiddles with a doo-dad of his own.

MECHANIC:

Well, it's about time you showed up.  I've been – hey, where's Dave?

You know, that idiot mechanic who was supposed to bring me the remote satellite receiv-- (he rolls his eyes) ...oh, don't tell me that nincompoop broke it.  Probably gave it too much power, huh?  Any idiot would know those things are only rated for 1.08 Jiggawatts, and even if you had a flux cap--

Ah, never mind.  Sorry, I'm just a little sore that the ABCD paired me up with Johnny McBreaks-Everything.  He singlehandedly got us demoted to 2011.

Continue...


THIRD CHEF / MECHANIC

Instead of a chef, the team finds an ABCD mechanic.  This mechanic acts kind of gruff, like he's got a bone to pick with everyone.  He fiddles with a doo-dad of his own.

MECHANIC:

Oh great... you’re finally here.  Listen, the third chef, Bill Walsh’s wife, was starting to wander down Mass Ave so we sent another team after her.

The Mechanic notices the team is carrying the first and second artifacts.

MECHANIC:

Oh wow!!! You have two of the artifacts!!! How did you get those???

The team starts to tell story but the mechanic loses patience

MECHANIC:

Okay-whatever-sounds-fun.  Listen, now that we have all three chefs taken care of, we really need to find that third artifact in order to fix the time machine that my bone-headed coworker Agent Dave broke.  Guh... that guy’s completely incompetent.  You know he singlehandedly got us both demoted to 2011!

Continue...


MECHANIC continued...

Photo by Chris Andrews

MECHANIC:

But hey, you're not here to listen to me whine.  Let's see what you got. (The mechanic examines the artifacts) Alright, before you head off in search of the third piece, if you don't mind, I need your help to transfer some memory to this time recombulation capacitator (He holds up his doo-dad).  Here, hold these two pieces like this...

The mechanic positions the team around his doo-dad...

MECHANIC:

Now, we're going to need to transfer a lot of memory here.  Everyone think really hard, and on the count of three, we're going to channel your most vivid recent memory into this thing.  We've got only one chance, so let's make it count.  Ready?  One...two...three!  AAAAAH!!

The doo-dad flies out of his hands and he jumps back with a jolt.   The mechanic looks down, then at his hands, then to the team in utter disgust.

MECHANIC:

Oh my...God!  What kind of memories are those?  You sick, sick people!

Well, never mind.  Alright, well... got any leads on where you think the 3rd artifact may be?

(The team is confused)

No? Nothing?  You have zero plan at this point?

(More confusion)

(under his breath) Clueless rookies (over his breath) Alright, well I’ve got an idea.  There’s a Particle Physicist who does research on magnetic relic geo-locationing.  He might be able to help you find it.  Look, here’s his address (He gives the team an envelope with the Particle Physicist’s name and address written on the outside) see if he can help you... and... while you’re at it, give him the envelope for me, will you?

Do you still have that phone number the Commander gave you?

(Team confirms)

Give that number a call if you end up tracking down the third artifact.

Alright!  Thanks and good luck rookies!

Oh, yeah.  That envelope.  Whatever you do, don’t open it! It contains top secret ABCD information!

Continue to the Particle Physicist

Open the envelope


SECOND MECHANIC ENVELOPE MESSAGE

Hey Maximus,

Looks like ABCD has a brand new group of dummy recruits ready to blindly follow every command.  I’m so sick of this organization! Two months ago they sent my last paycheck to the wrong decade!  Now the IRS is hounding my past self!  How do you audit an 8 year old?!?!?

Listen, you know how we always used to talk about stealing the time machine and using it to actually do cool things instead of the lame things ABCD does like saving stupid world leaders and preventing untold disease and misfortune?  Well this is our chance!  Today I rigged the machine to explode and all three of the artifacts have been scattered across the city!  I got word that our new recruits ended up finding two of them and are hot on the trail of the 3rd.

If they come to you, tell them you need the first two artifacts and then send them on some wild goose chase to get the third.  Tell them the third artifact is somewhere in Quincy or something, I don’t care.  THEN, I need you to go see the local Crime Lord that hangs out at the playground on the corner of Haviland Street and Edgerly Road.  I’ve received word that he knows where the third artifact is.

Go quick Maximus!  The power of time travel is almost within our reach!

-Mike

p.s. OMG I can’t wait for Dancing with the Stars on Monday! I know Chaz Bono’s getting all the attention but I really think David Arquette is gonna steal the show!

Continue to the Crime Lord


OPQRSTUV LEADER

LEADER:

Oh hello.  I’ve been told to expect you.  Actual ABCD agents willing to switch sides and work for the resistance!  I never thought I’d see the day.  And you have two of the three artifacts!  Incredible!

The leader notices the team’s collected signatures

LEADER:

Oh good!  Ten more signatures!  That brings our total to.... (She looks at form, does some mental math) Ten!  Just eight hundred thousand more and we’ll finally get our case heard on Dr. Sanjay Gupta’s CNN show!

Continue...


OPQRSTUV LEADER

LEADER:

Oh hello.  I’ve been told to expect you.  Actual ABCD agents willing to switch sides and work for the resistance!  I never thought I’d see the day.  And you have two of the three artifacts!  Incredible!

The leader notices the filled out intelligence report and asks further questions based on the answers written.

Continue...


OPQRSTUV LEADER

Photo by Bandito N

LEADER:

Alright, first things first, we need you to affirm your allegiance to our side.  It’s time to recite the OPQRSTUV Official Oath.  Please repeat after me:

Oh dearest OPQRSTUV

The finest organization we can see

We’ll save the world

From the Evil ABCD

Good.  Those badges you’re wearing, whatever you do, keep ‘em on.  You’re deep undercover now.  If you meet anyone from ABCD, don’t tell them you work for us.

Now, our operatives have learned that there is a third artifact that will help us destroy the machine.  We have a good idea where it is, but need to reaffirm this with our... (ahem) … associate.  Well, I’ll be honest.  He’s a local crime lord.  Real ruthless fellow, he’ll tear your legs from their sockets and wrap ‘em around your innards...but other than that, he’s a real good guy.  Gave a real sweet toast at my nephew’s Bar-mitzvah.

Point is, if anyone knows where the the third artifact is, it’s him.  Plus, he’s got it in for the ABCD, he’ll help you.  Go find him at the playground on the corner of Haviland Street and Edgerly Road, and bring this (She pulls out an envelope).  It’s got top-secret information for his eyes only, so whatever you do, DON’T open it.

And if you end up finding the third artifact call this number. (She hands the team a card) It’s OPQRSTUV Central Control.  They’ll tell you what you need to do next.

Continue to the Crime Lord

Open the envelope


OPQRSTUV LEADER ENVELOPE MESSAGE

Hey Abrezio,

You wouldn’t believe the fortune we’ve had today.  I’ve gotten word that a bunch of new ABCD agents have decided to switch sides and join our movement!  Wait, it gets better.  They have two of the three artifacts that control the time machine!  I guess they had some kind of malfunction there today and all three artifacts got scattered across the city.

I told you coming up with this phony activist organization would help us take down the ABCD and get the power of time travel in our own hands!  It’s worked out much better than your “calendar laundering” scheme.

Listen, here’s what I need you to do.  First!  I’m sending these ABCD traitorous fools your way.  I need you to steal the two artifacts from them and find some way to dispose of them.  Maybe keep them as forced servants for your underground Silly Bandz making syndicate?

Next, we need to find the third artifact.  There’s a local science nerd who lives at 11 Belvidere St.  Word is he’s got some kind of super computer that can locate electrically charged relics.  Go see him and see if you can convince him to help us find the third artifact.

The infinite powers of time travel are almost within our hands, Abrezio!  After we get ahold of this device the world will never be the same!!!!!

-Sydney

p.s. OMG I can’t wait for Dancing with the Stars on Monday! I know Chaz Bono’s getting all the attention but I really think David Arquette is gonna steal the show!

{{Yes Banditos... we got lazy and used the same joke at the end of both envelopes}}

Continue to Particle Physicist


PARTICLE PHYSICIST

The team finds a man reading a hefty particle physicist book on the stoop of a home.  The man looks up from his book and asks the team...

PHYSICST:

Howdy!  (He points to his book)  Did you know that you can take the cosine of an inverted hyperbolized parabola and divide by zero to travel to the seventeenth century?  (He waves dismissively)  Oh, silly me, of course you did.  You’re ABCDEFGs!

What can I do for you today?

Photo by Su-Yee

The team explains they are looking for the third artifact.

PHYSICST:

Hmm... interesting... interesting... I see what happened... the terrestrial magnetic dipoles shifted resulting in unstabilization of the Rezbuth-Einsenhole time-curtain.  Something like that’s bound to scatter the Chronowarping Artifacts across space and time.

I see you have the Slow and Reverse Artifacts.  And now you’re just looking for the Forward Artifact?

Alright then, let me just boot up my super computer here. (He mumbles to himself as he enters data into a very old computer) Alll right.  Ready to analyze?!?!

The physicist presses a button.  As the data streams in a look of shock builds on the Physicist’s face.  He struggles to get out his words...

PHYSICST:

Oh my Go-! It’s-! I-! Ah-! Ah-! I-!  (He tries to gain his composure but he can’t)

Oxygen-! I need oxygen!

The physicist looks to the team who have no idea what to do.  The physicist points to a box of painted balls painted like atoms off to his side, then reiterates...

PHYSICST:

Oxygen! Someone get-! I need-! Oxygen!

The team hands him a ball labeled ‘O’ for Oxygen.

PHYSICST:

No-! At standard temperature and pressure, two oxygen atoms bind to form dioxygen!

The team finds another oxygen ball and links the two together.  The physicist takes it and feels better for only the slightest of moments...

PHYSICST:

Water-! Water-!  I need water! Please-! Wa-! (He points to the bag again)

The team finds another oxygen and two hydrogens to create a water molecule. With the water in hand, Physicist is now almost completely revived.  Except for-

PHYSICST:

Sodium benzoate! I need sodium benzoate!

The team looks confused

PHYSICST:

(switching to a playful mood) Ha! Just kidding.  That stuff’s bad for you!

Anyways!  My computer!!! It crashed!!! The third artifact must be close by! That’s the only way to explain the surge in power!

(He looks down and notices a paper under the computer)  Look!  Before the computer crashed it printed this!  What could that possibly mean?  Well... I’ll let you to decode it.  I’ve got to stay here and fix my precious CPU!

Watson! Watson! Don’t leave me Watson!

Decode message that leads to the lawn on Mass Ave

CRIME LORD

The team approaches the Edgerly Road playground and finds an old, raspy kind of an Italian Don.

CRIME LORD:

Come closer.  (He waves the team in)  Why do you-a come to my house (He motions to playground around him) today, on this, the day of my stepdaughter’s Sweet Sixteen party?

The team explains about the missing third artifact.

CRIME LORD:

Ah, the artifacts.  You have two of them I see, and now seek the third?  (tired sigh) I can help you, my friends.  But you will find that the day will soon come when I require a favor from you.  (ominous, deadly serious)  And that time is now.

The Crime Lord gives the team a long stare, then pulls out a pile of photos, each with a portrait of a member of the Crime Lord’s family.  Under the names are locations that span across the world.

Photo by Tai Chen

CRIME LORD:

These are my brothers and sisters.  I’m planning a trip to see them soon, and I want to plan the most efficient route, and spend no more than one day in the same time zone.

You see, my vision is not what it used to be, and I can’t even see my dear brothers and sisters in front of me.  If you would kindly help me plan my flight by arranging them in order starting in Boston and heading east, I will certainly help you find the third artifact.

The team orders the photos appropriately, much to the Don’s appreciation.

CRIME LORD:

Thank you my friends.  Now this third artifact you speak of.  One of my associates happened to come across this communique from a pair of Jibereese Gangsters.  We think it has something to do with this artifact but can’t crack their code.  Maybe you’ll have a better chance.

The Crime Lord wishes them an empty ‘good luck’ and sends teams on their way

Decode message that leads to Symphony Community Park


ENEMY BOSS

The teams arrives at the grassy area on the corner of Westland and Mass Ave.  After a bit of searching for the third Artifact, a nefarious characther approaches from behind them...

Photo by Bandito N

ENEMY BOSS:

Looking for this... Bureau Bozos!?!? (She waves artifact around in taunting fashion)

Well you’re too late!  It appears your precious third artifact has fallen into my evil clutches.  You ABCD Agents are so gullible!  Walking right into my little trap!  Soon all three artifacts will finally be mine!!!

Well then... since I’m a woman who enjoys a good wager, I’ll let you have my artifact if you can answer me just one simple question.  If you get it right, I’ll give you the artifact, but if you get it wrong you give me your other two.  Do we have a deal?

Alright, here’s your question.  What was the best selling single of the 1980’s.  You have 30 seconds!

The team confers with each other, eventually coming up with “Thriller”, “Like a Virgin” or some other ubiquitous 80’s hit.

ENEMY BOSS:

Hahaha!!! Wrong!!!  It was “Do they know it’s Christmas?” by Band Aid!  You lose!!!  Hahaha!!!

The artifacts are mine!!!  Mine forever!!! Wahahahahaha!

Before the Enemy Boss can retrieve the two artifacts that are rightfully hers... the team remembers... the second artifact!  They can reverse time!  They hold the second artifact above their heads, shout “Reverse!” and sure enough the Enemy Boss speaks in gibberish as all her words are thrown into reverse.  Eventually the effects of the Reverse Artifact ware off..

ENEMY BOSS:

Alright, here’s your question.  What was the best selling single of the 1980’s. You have 30 seconds!

This time the team need not think it over.  They shout the answer right away.

ENEMY BOSS:

Hahaha!!!! Wron-!... Wait what?  You said “Do they know it’s Christmas”?  (She gives a look of disgust knowing that she’s been beat)

No! That’s... how did you?!?!?!?  Dang it!  Well... let’s see... you may have answered that correctly but now if you really want it back you’ll have toooooo...

The team squeals in protest.  They won the bet fair and square (kinda)

ENEMY BOSS:

Fine!  Take the stupid thing.  (She drops the artifact on the ground and walks away)

(Mumbling to herself) Lousy artifact.  It’s probably just a spray painted piece of wood anyways...

With all three artifacts finally in hand, the team knows it’s time to call one of the phone numbers given to them.

Call ABCD Central Command

Call OPQRSTUV Main Operations


JIBEREESE GANGSTERS

The team arrives at an empty Symphony Park.  After just a moment of looking around, a gangster runs in panicked.  She sees the team and suddenly slows down and acts very calm.  She approaches the team, putting them to her back, then very quietly turns her head and whispers...

GANGSTER 1:

Bacon...

The team is confused.  They’re not entirely sure what to do.  Gangster 1 says again very discreetly...

GANGSTER 1:

Bacon...  The code word... it is Bacon.

The team again doesn’t know exactly what to do.

GANGSTER 1:

Wait wait... you’re not Marcoz?  Nashtum’s assistant?  It’s not you?

Ahhyeee!!! Late again!  Always late! Why!?!! Pytska’s gonna kill me this time!

Gangster 1 gets out her phone and separates herself from the team.  However, she’s talking plenty loud enough for them to hear her.

GANGSTER 1:

Pytska!!! I so sorry! I came to Symphony Park but I too late! Marcoz’s not here! … No it’s not my fault this time I swear!  … Pytska, I see Michelle Branch on Huntington Street! She sign my switchblade! … No! No! I tell truth! She in Boston for Mix Fest 2011! … Well what to do now?! I cannot reverse time, Pytska! …  Yes, I know the drop-off was our only chance … I know there’s no way to bring Marcoz back!

Photo by Bandito N

The team eventually realizes they have the power to reverse time!  They can bring back Marcoz!  They hold the second artifact high in the air, shout ‘Reverse’, and marvel as Gangster 1 reverses all her words and motions.  This includes, the phone call, the interaction with the team, and the running into the scene.  The time-reverse continues as another gangster walks backwards into the park carrying the third artifact and looking disappointed.  Still in reverse, he looks around the park as if it’s empty.  The reverse of time stops and he notices the team and approaches.

GANGSTER 2:

You people who I supposed to give artifact to?

The team confirms

GANGSTER 2:

Okay what is code word?

Photo by Bandito N

The team remembers the code word from Gangster 1 and tells Gangster 2 “bacon”.

GANGSTER 2:

Okay here is artifact. (He hands over artifact) Now where is the money? You to give me two hundred thousand dollars.

The team explains they don’t have the money

GANGSTER 2:

Oh... okay no problem. You promise pay later?  We meet here tomorrow same time?

The team agrees

GANGSTER 2:

Okay.  To be sure you not cheat me we must do pink finger swear.

Gangster 2 extends his finger out to do a pinkie swear.  With all business settled Gangster 2 hurriedly departs the park and gets out his phone.

GANGSTER 2:

Nashtum! I’m coming!  Save me good seat for watch Sara Bareilles!!

With all three artifacts finally in hand, the team knows it’s time to call one of the phone numbers given to them.

Call ABCD Central Command

Call OPQRSTUV Main Operations


ABCD CENTRAL COMMAND

OPERATOR:

Hello, Operator.  What’s the code word?

Team gives the code word written on their card and explains they have found all three artifacts.

OPERATOR:

Really?!  You’ve found all three!  We’ve had agents scouring every temporal nook and cranny out there!  You’ve really got all three?

Okay, now just to be sure... hold it up to the sky so I can see it in my super-secret ABCD satellite... Wait, tilt it a little bit to the North... Perfect!

                                                             Photo by Erin Braswell

Fantastic!  You’ve found them just in time too!  The energy field the time machine uses moved and we’ve been struggling to keep up with it.  We need you to head to the grassy area in front of the Boston Fire Department building along the river.

Alright? I’ll send one of our agents, Agent Jim, out to meet you.  Be patient, though, it might take him a few minutes to get to you.

Good luck rookies!

Go wait for Agent Jim


OPQRSTUV MAIN OPERATIONS

OPERATOR:

Hello, Operator.  What’s the code word?

Team gives the code word written on their card and explains they have found all three artifacts.

OPERATOR:

Oh! You’re that group of defectors that Sydney told me about!  You say you’ve found all three of the artifacts?

Alright! Good... now listen, this is what we need you to do... You all still have on those ABCD badges? Good! Keep those on!  You’ll need those to infiltrate ABCD’s inner circle.

Now, listen carefully, this is how to arrange the artifacts in a way to overload the time machine.  Now, normally the artifacts are connected in a clockwise order going “Slow” , “Reverse”, then “Forward”.  But if you order them Slow, Forward, Reverse, the whole system will have a major malfunction.

So you see how to connect the three together?  Take the peg sticking out of the “Forward” artifact and connect it to the hole in the bottom of the “Slow” artifact.  Now take the peg from the “Reverse” and connect it to the “Forward”.  And finally connect the “Slow” to the “Reverse”.

                                                            Photo by Erin Braswell

Okay, now hold it up to the sky so I can see it in my super-secret OPQRSTUV satellite... (beat)... Perfect!

Alright... next... I need you to go wait in front of the Boston Fire Department building along the river.  Do you know where that is?  I’ll call into ABCD and tip them off that you’re waiting there.  They’ll send an agent out to meet you, so be patient, you may need to wait a while.  Just wait in front of that building.

Remember!  You’re undercover!  Pretend you’re a bunch of well behaved ABCD new recruits!

Good luck!

Go wait for ABCD Agent


WAITING FOR ABCD AGENT

The team arrives at the area in front of Fire Department Building.  Sure enough, no one is there.  After only a very short and brief moment of waiting ABCD Agent Jim runs up, exhausted...

AGENT JIM:

Hey! Are you the new recruits that found the three artifacts!

 

The team confirms

AGENT JIM:

Great! Hey where’d you find those things!?  And look, you’ve already got them put together!  Can I see?!?!

 

The team coyly declines, not daring to let Jim see they’ve assembled the artifacts in the wrong order.

AGENT JIM:

Alright... whatever... come on!  We don’t have much time!

 

The team follows Agent Jim. Just as he starts explaining to them ABCD’s dire situation, a strange woman approaches.  She’s dressed in shiny and ornate clothing.  She excitedly approaches one of the people on the team.

FUTURE SELF:

AGENT JIM:

FUTURE SELF:

AGENT JIM:

Hey!  You!  It’s me!  I’m you!  From the Future!  We’re me!!!

What?!?!?

Listen!  Don’t go with him!  Come with me!  If you come with me, we’ll STEAL the time machine and use it to our benefit!  Once we steal the time machine we get filthy rich!  We own islands in the Mediterranean!  We have front row tickets to every major sporting event!  And after rigging a bunch of elections, every one of us is on the Lexington School Board Committee!

Listen!  Ignore this lunatic!  We have important work to do!

 

Click here to go with Agent Jim and destroy the time machine

Click here to go with your future self and steal the time machine


WAITING FOR ABCD AGENT JIM

The team arrives at the area in front of Fire Department Building.  Sure enough, no one is there.  After only a very short and brief moment of waiting ABCD Agent Jim runs up, exhausted...

AGENT JIM:

Hey! Are you the new recruits that found the three artifacts!

 

The team confirms

AGENT JIM:

Great! Hey where’d you find those things!?  Can I see?!?! I need to assemble them.

 

Agent Jim links the three artifacts together to form a triangle.

AGENT JIM:

Alright... come on!  We don’t have much time!

 

The team follows Agent Jim. Just as he starts explaining to them ABCD’s dire situation, a strange woman approaches.  She’s dressed in shiny and ornate clothing.  She excitedly approaches one of the people on the team.

FUTURE SELF:

AGENT JIM:

FUTURE SELF:

AGENT JIM:

Hey!  You!  It’s me!  I’m you!  From the Future!  We’re me!!!

What?!?!?

Listen!  Don’t go with him!  Come with me!  If you come with me, we’ll STEAL the time machine and use it to our benefit!  Once we steal the time machine we get filthy rich!  We own islands in the Mediterranean!  We have front row tickets to every major sporting event!  And after rigging a bunch of elections, every one of us is on the Lexington School Board Committee!

Listen!  Ignore this lunatic!  We have important work to do!

 

Click here to go with Agent Jim and fix the time machine

Click here to go with your future self and steal the time machine


STEALING THE TIME MACHINE

AGENT JIM:

FUTURE SELF:

AGENT JIM:

Ha!  If you all go with him I’m going to warn Agent Randy that you’re going to try and steal the time machine!

Oh yeah, warn him with what?

With this emergency alert remote! (He reveals from his pocket the remote)

FUTURE SELF:

Interesting… well, I’ve already gone back in time to about two hours ago and took the batteries out of that thing!

Agent Jim checks the battery compartment in disbelief.  Empty!  Jim can’t believe it.

AGENT JIM:

FUTURE SELF:

Ahhh damn it!!!  Alright, as soon as I get to a CVS you guys are in big trouble!

Alright! Let’s go team!

Agent Jim runs off like Kermit the Frog.  On the way to steal the time machine, Future Self explains the situation.

Photo by Bandito N

FUTURE SELF:         Alright guys, here’s the deal.  The time machine is just this little triangle that fits inside the three artifacts.  It’s being kept in a special Time Machine Containment Unit just up the river.  That Time Machine Containment Unit is being guarded by an elite ABCD Agent.

         Here are my two plans for how to get the Time Machine out of the Containment Unit.

Plan A: We all walk up to the ABCD Agent and I use my impeccable wit to TRICK him into giving us the Time Machine.

And Plan B, if A doesn’t work, is we shoot him with this gun! ...  EXCEPT THEN!  We’ll have to force our way into the Containment Unit.  Here’s how we’ll have to do it.  There will be a series of numbered fuses scattered around the grass.  If we put them, in order, into the fuse box, it’ll initiate the manual override sequence and the Time Machine will be ours!

Alright? Does everyone understand our two plans?  Good! Alright, everyone put your hands in the middle.  Let’s do that chant we always used to do... ready!?!

RAH! RAH! WE’VE GOT-

The rest of the team isn’t joining in. Future Self looks around very confused.  Then it occurs to her...

FUTURE SELF:         Oh yeah.  I forgot we came up with that chant a few years after we stole the time machine.  Whatever.  We’ll learn it later.  Okay let’s go!

Team walks up to Agent Randy and the Time Machine Containment Unit.  One team member has the nerf gun hiding behind their back.

FUTURE SELF:         (To agent Randy.  Very casually)  Hello!  Good afternoon!

Agent Randy looks over for the moment but is not interested in chit-chat.  She disregards the team, and returns looking straight ahead.

FUTURE SELF:         So whatcha’ got in there?

AGENT RANDY:         (still looking straight ahead) Secret Government Time Machine.

FUTURE SELF:         Ohhhhhh... cool, cool!  Hey!  Can weeeeeee... see it for a second?

AGENT RANDY:         (looks over again, unamused) No.

FUTURE SELF:         Hmmm.... well... What ifffffffff....

After a bit more thought of what to say next, Future Self gives up and shouts to the teammate holding the gun...

FUTURE SELF:         Shoot her!!!!

Agent Randy gets shot

AGENT RANDY: (childishly whinny) Oooouuuuuuu!!!! (whimper) That hurrrrttttt!!!!!  I’m telling!!!!

Agent Randy pouts off

FUTURE SELF:         (to the team) Alright everyone!  We’ve got less than two minutes before the entire ACBD Battalion shows up!!!!  Go get those fuses!!!

Future Self instructs one team member to stay with the gun and make sure it stays loaded, other ABCD agents could come out without warning!

The rest of the team works on getting all the fuses in the right spots.  Future Self cheers them on and reminds them of the clock ticking.

Photo by Bandito N

Eventually all the fuses except for #19 have been inserted.  The team looks around frantically for the missing fuse.

FUTURE SELF:         Nineteen! We still need number nineteen!  Where is it?!?!!!!  I see the Battalion coming!  We don’t have much time!

The team looks around a bit more.  Future Self gets more panicked.  Suddenly a thought hits her.  She’s put in a silent trance as her mouth gapes open.  Eventually she speaks...

FUTURE SELF:         Wait a minute!!!  Wait wait wait!  Nooo.... nnnoooooo!!!!  You guys... about a month ago... the Mysterious Man came to me.  He came and he told me... “Did you know that the human body is the 19th best conductor of electricity?”  I didn’t know what he meant... but now I do.  Now I know what I have to do!

Very bravely, Future Self walks up to the Containment Unit.  She yells at the team to stand a safe distance back.  She dramatically steadies herself against the machine, pulls back her arm, then jabs her hand into the fuse hole.

Pulses of electricity flow through Future Self.  The Time Machine Containment Unit opens up and Future Self falls to the ground.  The team gathers around her as she speaks her final, dramatic last words.

FUTURE SELF:         I think....  we should... buy.... a jet ski.

Future Self passes out.

The Storyteller from the beginning of the adventure approaches from behind and reads again from his book.

Photo by Bandito N

STORYTELLER:

It had been a long-fought battle.  The group of boys and girls who grew into men and women were on the fast-track to success.  They used the newly-stolen time machine to go back in time to 1989, and watched the newly-released Back to the Future Part 2 in the theaters.

 

That gave them the idea to travel to 2015 and buy a sports almanac...which they promptly took to 2115, and sold it to an antique dealer for several trillion dollars.

Then they took the money back to 2011, where they were sure to live the high life.  Fast cars, exclusive real estate, political favors, Marshmallow Peeps all year-round, not just during Easter time… it was all theirs for the taking.

 

All the while, the group would prepare for the day in the future when they would travel back to 2011 and convince their past selves to steal a time machine.  And make themselves very, very rich.

The End


FIXING THE TIME MACHINE

AGENT JIM:

FUTURE SELF:

Great! Alright gang, come with me!

Noooo!!! If you go with him I cease to exist!  Nooooooooooo.....

Future Self’s screams fade out as she shrinks to the ground and mimes being boxed in.  Once the fading has stopped and Future Self is all the way on the ground, she casually gets back up and walks away.

Agent Jim walks with the team and explains the situation...

AGENT JIM:

AGENT JANE:

AGENT JIM:

AGENT JANE:

AGENT JIM:

AGENT JANE:

AGENT JIM:

Alright, now look!  We’re still trying to put together the pieces of what happened, but today at approximately 1:15pm the natural energy field that powers the time machine moved!  We’ve tracked it to be down here along the river.  But we don’t have much time!  Our calculations show the energy field is minutes away from moving again.

So we need to get these three artifacts to the time machine as quick as possible.  But there’s one more problem... the closer we get to the time machine these artifacts become electrified!!!  We won’t be able to touch them or even get within a few feet of them!

So I’ve sent my associate, Agent Jane, out to get some rope from Home Depot.  (accusingly) Yes Home Depot!!!  Sometimes it’s the simplest solutions that work!  Anyways, we’re going to have to use the rope to carry the artifacts over to the time machine.

Oh look, here’s Jane now.  Jane!  Did you get the rope!?!?

Right here, Jim!

Perfect!  How much was it?!?!

Forty dollars, Jim!

Damn it, Jane!  You know after Obama’s budget cuts we can’t afford forty dollar rope!

I’m sorry, Jim!

Alright whatever!  Okay, so pretty soon these artifacts are going to be releasing so much voltage they’ll be imossible to -- OUUAHHHH!!!

Jim drops the artifacts and squeals in pain.

AGENT JANE:

Oh! Please be careful Jim!

Photo by Bandito N

With the artifacts now on the ground, Jim helps the team gather in a circle and form a sort of net with the ropes.  They pick up the artifacts and awkwardly attempt to carry them to the time machine.

Just as the team is starting to get the hang of it, the unthinkable happens.  A time monster appears out of the portal of the energy field and throws deadly office stress balls at the team.

Photo by Bandito N

Agent Jim valiantly wards off the time monster as the team finishes bringing the artifacts to the time machine.  But there’s one last problem!  With the artifacts all tangled up on the ropes there’s no way to accurately place it up on the control panel.

AGENT JANE:

AGENT JIM:

Jim! We only have twenty seconds left!

Quick guys! Quick!

The team continues to frantically struggle.

AGENT JIM:

AGENT JANE:

AGENT JIM:

Guys we’re out of time!  Stop!  Stop!  Just drop it! (solemly) I know what I have to do.

Jim no!  Don’t do it!  There must be another way!

No Jane!  We can’t wait any longer!  I have to do this!

Agent Jane continues to sob in panic as Jim steadies himself in position to pick up the artifacts and place them on the time machine.  In one brave motion Jim picks them up, places them on the time machine control panel, then passes out on the ground.

The time machine jumps to life and instantly displays a message proclaiming the success of transporting the three chefs back to their homes.

But Jim lays motionless on the ground.  Jane rushes to his side and screams in pain.

AGENT JANE:

Jim!!!  Jim!!!!  Nooooooo!!!!  Wake up!!!  Jimmmmm!!!!!!!

Just as all hope seems lost, Jim suddenly gasps for air.  His eyes open wide and focuses on Jane kneeling above him.

AGENT JIM:

AGENT JANE:

AGENT JIM:

AGENT JANE:

Did-... Did we do it?

(relieved) Yes... we did it Jim.

I love you Jane!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love you Jim!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Agents Jim and Jane share a passionate and tearful embrace, laughing and crying together as the team soaks up the heady moment.

Photo by Bandito N

Then, from behind the time machine appears the storyteller from the beginning of the adventure.  The storyteller reads from the book once again.

Photo by Tai Chen

STORYTELLER:

The next day, a large ceremony was held at ABCD headquarters, to honor the esteemed group of ABCDEFGs.  They received medals, accolades, and a special gift to remember their journey: the three artifacts, theirs to keep forever.

 

The ABCD had saved the world leaders, and were already working on a prototype for a new machine.  Sacrificing the artifacts as mementos to the group who saved them was the only right thing to do.

All was well in the world again.  For years, the group would talk about their adventures as ABCDEFGs.  And later, when they decided to adopt a small boy, they regaled him with stories of the artifacts, and of the wonders of time travel.

 

And the young boy took it all in with wonder and awe.  He began talking in eccentricities, and moving his arms around as he talked, all the more so the more he grew up.  Yes, he was indeed a very Mysterious Boy.

The End


DESTROYING THE TIME MACHINE

AGENT JIM:

FUTURE SELF:

Great! Alright gang, come with me!

Noooo!!! If you go with him I cease to exist!  Nooooooooooo.....

Future Self’s screams fade out as she shrinks to the ground and mimes being boxed in.  Once the fading has stopped and Future Self is all the way on the ground, she casually gets back up and walks away.

Agent Jim walks with the team and explains the situation...

AGENT JIM:

AGENT JANE:

AGENT JIM:

AGENT JANE:

AGENT JIM:

AGENT JANE:

AGENT JIM:

Alright, now look!  We’re still trying to put together the pieces of what happened, but today at approximately 1:15pm the natural energy field that powers the time machine moved!  We’ve tracked it to be down here along the river.  But we don’t have much time!  Our calculations show the energy field is minutes away from moving again.

So we need to get these three artifacts to the time machine as quick as possible.  But there’s one more problem... the closer we get to the time machine these artifacts become electrified!!!  We won’t be able to touch them or even get within a few feet of them!

So I’ve sent my associate, Agent Jane, out to get some rope from Home Depot.  (accusingly) Yes Home Depot!!!  Sometimes it’s the simplest solutions that work!  Anyways, we’re going to have to use the rope to carry the artifacts over to the time machine.

Oh look, here’s Jane now.  Jane!  Did you get the rope!?!?

Right here, Jim!

Perfect!  How much was it?!?!

Forty dollars, Jim!

Damn it, Jane!  You know after Obama’s budget cuts we can’t afford forty dollar rope!

I’m sorry, Jim!

Alright whatever!  Okay, so pretty soon these artifacts are going to be releasing so much voltage they’ll be imossible to -- OUUAHHHH!!!

Jim drops the artifacts and squeals in pain.

AGENT JANE:

Oh! Please be careful Jim!

Photo by Bandito N

With the artifacts now on the ground, Jim helps the team gather in a circle and form a sort of net with the ropes.  They pick up the artifacts and awkwardly attempt to carry them to the time machine.

Just as the team is starting to get the hang of it, the unthinkable happens.  A time monster appears out of the portal of the energy field and throws deadly office stress balls at the team.

Photo by Bandito N

Agent Jim valiantly wards off the time monster as the team finishes bringing the artifacts to the time machine.  But there’s one last problem!  With the artifacts all tangled up on the ropes there’s no way to accurately place it up on the control panel.

AGENT JANE:

AGENT JIM:

Jim! We only have twenty seconds left!

Quick guys! Quick!

The team continues to frantically struggle.

AGENT JIM:

Guys we’re out of time!  Stop!  Stop!  Just drop it!  Everyone!  Back away!!!

With the artifacts now laying on the ground in front of the time machine, Agent Jane and the team stand back a safe distance away.

Jim steadies himself in position to pick up the artifacts and places them on the time machine.  In one brave motion Jim picks them up and places them on the time machine control panel, all while bearing a great deal of pain.

With the artifacts secured on the time machine Jim works to enter in the final coordinates as the team waits in anticipation.  However, something catches Jane’s eye. She begins to look at the artifacts in greater detail.

AGENT JANE:

(to herself) Hmmm...  Slow... Forward... Reverse.  That’s not how it’s...  

She trails off muttering to herself as she slowly turns her head to look at the team.  All the sudden Jane knows exactly what has happened.  The team has intentionally rigged the artifacts to short out the time machine!

AGENT JANE:

Jim!!! Noooooooooo!!!!!!

Jane’s warning is too late.  Jim has entered in the final bit of coordinates and the time machine has been activated.  Sparks fly as the time machine’s display screen switches to the blue screen of death.  Agents Jim and Jane are motionless as they take in all that’s just happened.

Then, from behind the time machine appears the storyteller from the beginning of the adventure.  The storyteller reads from the book once again.

Photo by Tai Chen

STORYTELLER:

As the dust settled around them, time seemed to stand still for a moment.  The team looked at each other nervously.  Did they just make a big mistake?  Did destroying the time machine also destroy the fabric of space-time?

 

But before long, the sound of police sirens jolted them from their reverie, and in the distance, they saw the ABCD Commander and his henchmen being handcuffed and led into patrol cars.

 

And the police captain approached them slowly.  Then thanked them for their work.  “Here,” he said, holding out his hand.  And inside were the three artifacts.  “This was all that was left in the explosion.  Thought you might like to keep them.”  

All was well in the world again.  For years, the group would talk about their adventures, and how they were almost led astray by the evil ABCD.  And later, when they decided to adopt a small boy, they regaled him with stories of the artifact, and of the wonders of time travel.

 

And the young boy took it all in with wonder and awe.  He began talking in eccentricities, and moving his arms around as he talked.  Yes, he was indeed a very Mysterious Boy.

The End